A push-up bra for Bhunivelze
by diellemabelle
Summary: Crack-fic Parody. No excessive swearing or spelling errors. Just fun. Included within, a step-by-step guide to write your own crack fic! Crack pairings. Silly side-quest to levitate Bhunivelze. Lightning gets a tan. Snow and a mysterious stranger have an epic battle of some sort. Yeul makes Serah cry. Everyone dances. Also: fart jokes. Deliberately stupid. Read and have fun!
1. How to write crack fiction

**Chapter 1: How to write crack fiction in 5 easy steps!**

Hello there, this is the author speaking directly to you, the reader. Normally this only happens in the author's notes but – surprise! This is crack fiction, so those rules no longer apply!

Through minutes of agonizingly ridiculous research, I have come up with five easy steps to write crack fiction.

_Step 1: Plot. In fanfiction, us lazy writers don't need to come up with characters or setting – we usually just steal those from the game/fandom. So for a crack fiction, here are some easy options for plot:_

A – just make the original plot stupider.

* * *

-In the distant future, an immortal named Caius walked the crystal sands of a desolate world with a young woman at his side. In an instant everything changed. He let out such a powerful fart that the force of it ripped the very fabric of time. The gas travelled along the Historia Crux, leaving "odor paradoxes" in its wake. Finally, at the end of its journey, the toot arrived at the base of the crystal pillar of Cocoon the moment our heroes awoke from Etro's misguided mercy.

Lightning shook her pink hair slightly. Looking up at Cocoon, she was about to smile, when the toxic smell entered her nostrils. She died instantly.

In Valhalla, a furious Lightning called her sister Serah to resolve the fart paradox, so that the timeline would once again smell like roses. A mysterious purple man arrived in Valhalla. He complained to Lightning, "Stop telling everyone that I farted! It's not that big a deal, ok? I just had some undercooked Behemoth meat!" Then he readied his massive sword for an aerial strike. "Besides, whoever smelt it, dealt it," he said with a malicious grin.

Lightning snorted in derision, "Tch. He who denied it, supplied it." She jumped from the upper floor of Etro's shrine, gunblade ready for the stinkiest fight of her afterlife….

* * *

Or,

B – make a silly side story that is half-way believable.

* * *

-The Director of the Academy lowered his head in thought. His hand rested on his chin and his silver eyebrows furrowed in concentration. He would need to use his years of university education to derive a method to keep the new world afloat in the sky.

Suddenly his head snapped up, "I've got it!" he exclaimed, pounding his right fist into his other palm. "HAMMOCKS!"

In response, Serah tilted her head, Noel raised an eyebrow and Mog's pendant drooped. "Ku-po…" the moogle said sadly.

(Alright, crack fiction should use fart jokes sparingly so that they remain funny, so we'll pick option B for this story.)

* * *

_Step 2: Make sure to add lots of references to other movies, characters and even stores and restaurants that have no place in your fandom. This will create a feeling of randomness that is essential to crack fiction._

* * *

-"To (infinity and) Bed, Bath and Beyond!" Noel shouted in his best Buzz Lightyear impression.

Serah looked him over skeptically. "Are you even sure they sell hammocks?" The hunter shrugged in response. "Well you'd better call them first. I don't want to get there and have them be sold out… of world-sized hammocks." As Noel pulled a cellphone out of his pants (who knew he had one?) Serah contemplated their other options. "I'll call Walmart, I guess."

Mog floated overhead happily whistling a jingle. "And I will call Canadian Tire, kupo!" he declared.

"Mog," Serah turned on him with her most authoritative tone. "You have to be aware of your audience. Most people on fanfiction dot net are from the United States. They probably don't know that you could find almost anything at Canadian Tire, which is a similar store to Lowe's or Peavey Mart."

"Uh, Peavey Mart? Now you lost me," said Noel, scratching the back of his head.

"The Unique World of Princess Auto?" Serah attempted, searching for stores people would recognize.

Noel snorted at the suggestion. "Now you're making things up."

Serah's face reddened. "It's a real place. Look it up!" She crossed her arms and walked to the other side of the office.

* * *

_Step 3: Continue to throw in the characters from the fandom whenever the story starts to drag._

* * *

Just then, Alyssa Zaidelle entered the room wearing her cute little Academy uniform. She locked eyes with Serah and smiled. "I was just thinking," she said as she put a finger to her cheek and tilted her head adorably. "If we used a hammock to hold up the new world, wouldn't we need something to hold up the hammock? Like some really gigantic trees?"

"..." said everyone as they fell to the floor.

A rumble from above distracted the group. Seconds later something large crashed through the window, destroying much of the wall as well. Snow sat astride a velocycle as he pointed at the blond pixie, Alyssa.

"She's working for that smelly Caius, don't listen to a word she says!" he revealed in his loud voice.

Serah, Noel and Mog turned to the woman and gasped in surprise. She tried waving her hands in front of her defensively, "It's not true…"

From the hole Snow created in the side of the building, Caius popped his head in to say, "Yeah, she really is." Before trying to disappear again.

* * *

_Step 4: Introduce crack pairings, especially if they don't make any sense._

* * *

The pink haired sister-to-the-real-heroine stopped him with a hand in his long flowing purple hair. "Not so fast, Caius." She looked at the watch that mysteriously appeared on her wrist for this scene. "Our date is in twenty minutes. I made a reservation!"

And so Serah and Caius left to go on their date, leaving the men in the room with their jaws on the floor.

"I can't believe she dumped me for that guy," Snow complained. He must have been really broken up inside because the next second he was eyeing up Alyssa's short-shorts. He winked at her. "Hey baby, want to ride with a real man?"

Alyssa excitedly jumped on the back of the velocycle, wrapping her arms tightly around Snow's muscular body. "I wanna go fast!" she said excitedly.

The two left Noel and Mog in the half-way destroyed room. The brunette looked at the flying white pig-cat-bat-like creature. "You're a dude, right?"

"Kupo!" came the answer from the moogle.

"Wait, why do I care? I've been with guys before," Noel rationalized as he embraced Mog romantically.

Hope lifted his head from the intense make-out session he'd been having with Yeul in his office. "That Noel better not be cheating on me!" he declared. He looked back at the blue-haired teenage on his lap. "We never met [in game] did we?"

"Our physical bodies may have not crossed paths, but our souls touched the moment you viewed the contents of the Oracle Drive."

"Yeah, about that," Hope said nervously. "Did you have to include the footage of me in the shower?"

* * *

_Step 5: To make the story as funny as possible, characters should be at least 20% stupider than normal. Also, they should all be drunk 70% of the time._

* * *

All the couples ended up at the same restaurant.

"I can't believe he brought her here!" Serah whined for the millionth time, glancing over at Snow and his new girlfriend. She gulped back her glass of wine. "I bet he only likes her because she's a blonde. Do you think I should dye my hair?" she asked Caius, batting her eyelashes. The level of compliment expectation was about a 10/10.

The immortal was not listening. He was looking at his reflection in his spoon. "There is no spoon," he told himself. However, after being slapped, he did manage to look up at the angry woman before him.

He assumed she was talking about her quest to levitate the new world, so he searched his brain for a solution. His concentration soon dissipated as his gaze landed on Serah's ample chest.

"Caius!"

Then it hit him. That is, Serah's wine glass hit him in the face. But also, the solution came to him. "Well how do you keep those bazongas afloat?" he questioned, pointing to her boobs.

"What are you talking about?" Serah yelled, totally confused. Then she looked down at her own chest. Suddenly it dawned on her, the answer to their quest! "It's called a push-up bra, Caius." Then, she climbed onto the table. "Hey everyone! Hope, over here!" she shouted, trying to get Hope to stop exchanging saliva with Yeul for two seconds. "You know she's only fifteen, right?" she said disdainfully.

Hope jumped back from the girl in question. "You said you were eighteen!"

The seeress shook her head. "No, I said I was Yeul #18."

Panic etched the features of the silver-haired man. While he was trying to decide how much of a pedophile he was capable of being, Serah once again tried to draw everyone's attention.

"Guys, I've figured it out! A way to levitate the new Cocoon!" Now the group all turned their faces expectedly to hear Serah's suggestion. "A push-up bra for Bhunivelze!"

Everyone cheered.

Alyssa tilted her head again, in such a cute way. "But Serah, that has the same problem as the hammock idea. We'll need something to hold the bra up."

"Not the kind of bra I wear," Serah replied. "It uses double sided tape!" She said enthusiastically, pulling down her dress and flashing everyone.

The blonde shook her head and reached for the vodka. "I'm not nearly drunk enough for this."

* * *

And there you have it, five easy steps to crack fiction! I hope you enjoyed this educational moment.

I do want to keep writing this silliness, but I need you, the reader to let me know if you laughed or not. Also, if you can identify the four movie/cartoons I referenced, I'll send you a pet lobster... over the internet. K Thnx bai!


	2. Death is a battlefield

**Chapter 2: Death is a Battle-filed (not a typo. well ok, it was, but then I was like "hey this kinda works")  
**

Meanwhile, in Valhalla…

Due to a clerical error, Claire "Lightning" Farron was filed under "dead" instead of "alive". As a result, her body disappeared from her world and materialized in the unseen realm. As she knelt in front of the ancient crystal throne of Etro, she swore this solemn vow:

"If you don't get a secretary, I'm going to destroy you myself!"

Apparently, paperwork was the goddess' weakness. All across the Historia Crux people were disappearing for no reason. Sazh Katzroy was also pulled from his airship and transported to the Serendipity Casino.

"Woohoo, early weekend!" he cheered.

Another (un?)fortunate soul, Snow Villiers was removed from Academia, during a horribly awkward date with Alyssa involving a feather duster and handcuffs, to the Coliseum in the Void beyond. Michael Jackson and Marilyn Monroe were also among the contenders in the never-ending battle. That's right, it wasn't drugs or alcohol that killed them. It's all about the filing. Fact.

So, as always, it was up to Lightning to save everyone. As she approached the great Filing Cabinet of the Goddess, she had a thought: Eidolons were supposed to help her in her quest… right?

"Odin!" she called as she shot her crystal rose, summoning the guardian force. A white horse padded with armor galloped to her side. "Odin, I need to you to sort through these files. Find mine, Sazh's and, if you have time, Snow's. I expect them on my desk by the end of the day." And with that, she left the spirit creature grumbling about his task while she went to the beach.

Odin – in humanoid form – perched a pair of reading glasses on his nose, adjusted his tie and got to work.

Lightning stretched herself out on a lounge chair, margarita in hand, trying to get a tan. Her incredibly pale skin attracted another celebrity who was unintentionally killed by the goddess. Kristen Stewart approached her cautiously, her mouth agape and her face devoid of emotion. I think that meant she was excited? Afraid? No one will ever know for sure. When she asked Lightning if she was a vampire, Lightning answered with her gunblade. After the teen idol was destroyed beyond recognition, Lightning became bored.

Odin came through for her after all, because just then Sazh appeared in front of her in an explosion of chocobo feathers.

"Hey Light, how ya been?" he asked, a bit nervously.

Lightning cocked one eyebrow suspicously. "What's with the feathers?"

"What? Ah – Oh, nothing," he replied evasively. "I should ask you the same question," he observed the feathers fanning down from the warrior's waist.

"Tch. These were Etro's idea of reinventing my look. Sexy, Strong but still Feminine," she said in a mock-seductive tone.

"Yeah," Sazh agreed, nodding his head. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."

The warrior backhanded him sharply. A cloud of white and yellow feathers surrounded them upon impact. "Don't compare me to deodorant!"

"You're right, you definitely smell a bit funky," the man said, holding his nose. "Have you been hanging around that Caius again?"

Lightning ignored that remark. Something had gotten her attention. Those yellow feathers seemed to be coming from Sazh. Sure enough, as she investigated him closer, she found a tuft of feathers peeking out from the waistline of his pants.

"Have you been sleeping with Chocolina?" demanded Lightning, as she drew her gunblade menacingly.

Sazh backed up frantically. "Hey now, it-it's not what it looks like…" But just then, the chocobo chick in question flew out of his pants and began pecking Lightning in the face.

"Ow, ow - !" the pink-haired woman complained due to the slight discomfort. "Stop it!" Finally she grabbed the bird and threw it into the ocean. The chick skipped over the water one, two, three…four times before disappearing into the waves. "Haha, that's a new record!" Lightning cheered raising both hands in victory.

Sazh sighed loudly. "I wish Vanille was here."

* * *

"From the farthest reaches of time they come, guided by paradox. Souls burning for battle, drawn to this arena of blood. Unleash every weapon at your command, and seize victory!" challenged the Arbiter of Time.

"Wandering hero of the void, speak your name!"

"A-he-heeee-he," sung Micheal Jackson as he moon-walked onto the battlefield wearing his signature red leather jacket and a black fedora tilted over his face.

"It can't be…" Snow breathed in bewilderment.

Jihl Nabaat stalked up beside Snow. "Who's the freak grabbing his crotch?"

Tearing his gaze from the white(?) black (?) man in the arena, Snow gaped at Jihl. "Freak?! You gotta be kidding me! It's Michael Jackson! The thriller himself!" Unable to contain his excitement, Snow rushed over to greet the newcomer and ask for his autograph.

The Arbiter of Time continued his monologue, unaffected by celebrity or fame. That is, until the next contender was revealed.

From the sky, a red figure plummeted swiftly. The shape grew from a speck but grew larger as it approached. However, as the person came into focus, he and his red cloak stopped growing a bit earlier than expected. As he landed he clapped his hands loudly and touched his palms to the ground, which shot upwards and formed a throne beneath his (rather small) butt. Clapping again, he touched his arm, forming a metal spear seemingly out of midair which he placed across his lap. The small man's long blonde braid fell over his left shoulder. He crossed his legs.

"Do I look familiar?" the man/boy (?) asked, wiggling his eyebrows before schooling his face into a solemn expression.

None of the assembled warriors had wrapped Final Fantasy XIII-2, so they had no idea that he was referring to Lightning's crystal pose.

"Umm… Noctis?" Gilgamesh hazarded a guess.

The man jumped off the throne angrily. "No, you idiot it's – "

Just then, the Arbiter of Time let out a squeal of delight. "Edward Elric!" The normally stoic referee dissolved into an excited fangirl. "OH EM GEE is it really you? Can you say 'Roy Mustang is dead sexy in a miniskirt'?"

"For the last time, I never said that!" the alchemist complained loudly. "That was my voice actor Vic … something or other!"

"Did this just become a cross-over?" Jihl wondered under her breath.

Having just had his chest signed by Michael Jackson, Snow looked over at the commotion. "Who's the shrimp?"

The Arbiter widened his eyes in both fear and anticipation.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP SO TINY THAT HE GETS REJECTED FROM THE SALAD BAR?" yelled Edward.

"Yo," responded Snow with a wave.

The short man stomped over to Snow in a rage. Standing side-by-side, Edward was exactly half Snow's size. "For your information," Edward shouted, embarrassedly craning his neck upwards. "I am the famous Full Metal Alchemist."

The taller of the two blondes responded with a "Never heard of him," and a shrug.

On the other side of the arena, Michael Jackson was lonely.

The Arbiter tried to dispel the animosity by calling their attention.

"Warriors seeking to claim supremacy gather from beyond the continuum! Now is the time for glory! Those lost to the shadows of history will defy reality and be reborn! A battle unlike any seen in history looms bloody on the horizon."

Both Edward Elric and Snow stepped forward onto the battlefield.

"It's time for EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!"

A beat began to play in the background. The contenders faced each other. Microphones rose from the floor in front of them.

"Snow Villers –VERSUS – Edward Elric. BEGIN!"

[Snow]

Oh shit, I didn't see you there

Need some heels to go with that girly-ass hair?

Is that why you want Al to get his body back,

Brotherly love? C'mon, even your father thinks you're whack!

Oh no, your mom died and now you're angsty and depressed

Hope at least tried to kill me, so I can't say I'm impressed.

I'm a freedom fighter, saving the world was my Focus

You're a military dog, but even your bite is hopeless.

[Edward]

Hey Snow, where'd you go?

You fiancé Serah would like to know.

I banged her last night so hard she had a vision

Of my dick teaching her long division.

Are you really so stupid you thought Lightning could be found

With a metal rod on your head, standing on higher ground?

So you're a hero, that's great, we'll let you know

If it's brown at Christmas we'll ask for Snow.

[Snow]

Nice alchemist can you teach me this

If you believe in equivalent exchange why are your rhymes so worthless?

Looks like you need help destroying the Homunculi

You should just send Pride***** over to visit this guy –

"SHAMONE!" said Michael Jackson as he waved. -

Why don't you head back to Amestris and transmute yourself some talent

Cause the Hero here has a Soverign Fist that'll take you to where Al went.

[Edward]

Put your underwear back on, you freaking Commando

You use your fists cause you can't keep track of your ammo

In your "vacation" through time you must have gotten lost,

Cause you weren't there when your maiden fair faced the final boss

Whatever

You're nothing, douchebag, no one wanted to see

Your character in Final Fantasy 13-3.

"Who won? Who's next? You decide!" shouted the Arbiter of Time. "EPIC RAPBATTLESOFHISTORY!"

* * *

***Pride from Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood is an artificial human (homunculus) with the body of a young boy.**

**A/N**: Sorry to Michael Jackson's memory, Kristen Stewart, and NicePeter! I don't own Epic Rap Battles of History. If you haven't heard of it, please check it out on youtube (search: ERB). I'm not sure I can handle another rap battle… Whatever, YOU DECIDE. K Thnx Bai!


	3. The Island of Lost Dreams

**_Author's Noses:_**_Thanks to anonymous reviewers - REviewer009 and lecritic - Now on to the chaos..._

**Crack 3: The Island of Lost Dreams**

Yeul was admiring a yellow daisy that she'd picked. She inhaled its sweet scent. The world she'd imagined, had seen briefly in a vision, had now become her reality.

That is, reality TV.

Yes, on this episode of Time Survivor there were two teams: the purple team, which included Yeul, Caius and Alyssa and the pink team including Serah, Noel and Hope.

Today's challenge was to pick the most flowers from the Meadow of Memories without crying or succumbing to your feelings in any way, which also included whining, screaming or falling asleep.

Thankfully, the current Yeul was only twelve, and hadn't gathered enough of her own memories for this task to be painful for her. The visions she saw of the past and the future, of wars and famine for instance, felt so far removed from her own experience that they hardly fazed her. So it would seem that the purple team had an advantage, but unfortunately they also had Cauis. Who'd lived for, like, a really long time.

Yeul was just happy this was an individual challenge.

Behind her, her Guardian cried out in agony "Oh Yeul! You'd barely lived and then you died! Oh how I miss your smiling face!"

"Hey, dung-brain, I'm right here!" she shook her head in disdain as the host disqualified him.

"Yeah, but you don't smile like she did!"

"Whatever."

She really wanted the immunity idol. She wouldn't let Alyssa convince Caius to vote her out. Also there was a secret prize this week to the winner. Through her eyes of Etro she already knew what it was. And she already had a plan on how she would use it. So she needed to win.

* * *

When the chaos entered the mortal realm, these six where stranded on Valhalla's shores with a film crew and the host – I dunno, it was that guy from Serendipity Casino who had that cool accent.

So anyways, the six were assigned to either team purple or team pink based on whether the number in their head was odd or even. Hope had actually thought of an odd number, but because it was an imaginary number he was assigned to the pink team – also because Cauis told him he was a chicken-wuss and he didn't want him.

Their challenges and daily lives were filmed and streamed on the internet to everyone on Bhunivelze and Gran Pulse. Since the world had pretty much ended, people just stayed at home and watched TV and read fanfiction all day.

* * *

Serah had discovered that there was an art to picking the flowers in this magical field: it was best to avoid the flowers that look familiar – those were usually ones that would trigger the worst memories. Also, the prettier they smell, the better, because likely those would be good memories.

"Hey Serah, I think I saw some roses over there, they smell wonderful!" Yeul said, picking up on Serah's strategy.

_Damn that Yeul. _Serah thought angrily as a memory of Lightning surfaced in her mind. The bouquet of roses fell from her hands as she fell to her knees, bawling her eyes out.

The first player disqualified was Caius of course, followed closely by Hope, who had unknowingly picked jasmine, which reminded him of his mother's perfume. His girlish sobs were almost too much for Serah to bear.

"Shut up, already!" she shouted in annoyance.

"Your mom was a terrible character anyways," said the host, who I will call Eduardo. "So you shouldn't feel so bad that she died."

Obviously that didn't help.

Next both Alyssa and Serah were tricked by Yeul into picking flowers that brought back painful memories. While Serah cried like a normal person would, Alyssa kept whining about how she thought she'd died during the Purge.

Eventually it was between Noel and Yeul. Using her Eyes of Etro was considered cheating, but no one seemed to know when she was doing it. So, of course, she triumphed by discovering that the flower Noel placed on her dead body in the year 700AF was a poppy. So she offered him one. Just seeing it caused tears to gush from his eyes.

"We have a winner!" Eduardo announced.

Yeul jumped up in excitement. The host hung the immunity idol around her neck.

"As I said before the beginning of the challenge, the winner would receive a secret prize… but first, a word from our sponsors."

- […]

"Haha, just kidding of course. Everyone is watching this illegally online! We actually don't have any sponsors. We actually are NOT GETTING PAID . So if you want this game to continue, like us on facebook. Not that it will do anything, but we could shove our popularity in the faces of all those people from high school who friended me and haven't even posted on my wall yet…" Eduardo stopped his rant when he saw the hostile look on Caius' face.

"I mean, right. The secret prize. It is … brace yourselves…"

"Oh get on with it!" shouted Noel impatiently.

"Yeul will get to dare everyone from both teams to do one thing."

"…" said everyone in apprehension.

"Take your time Yeul. You only get one-"

"Gangnam style," the seeress interrupted.

"Wh-what?" Eduardo asked.

"I want to do Gangnam style, the dance. With all of you!"

Everyone groaned.

"Hasn't it been done enough?" worried Alyssa.

"And since Caius has no rhythm to speak of…" Yeul continued.

"Hey!" complained Caius.

Noel giggled as he nudged Serah in the ribs, whispering "It's true, this one time…"

"I want Noel to be PSY."

In the middle of his hilarious story, Noel paled. "Why me?"

"But who will be that weird yellow guy?" asked Serah.

"I want to be the guy in the elevator!" Hope shouted hopefully.

Yeul stamped her feet and had a temper tantrum. "No, no, no. I'm in charge. Noel will be PSY. Yellow guy is Serah. Caius is the elevator guy. Hope… ugh, you can be the guy in the steam room. I of course will be the girl at the end. Alyssa, you can be the girl doing Yoga."

* * *

So the track began to play…

Noel was lounging on an airship's wing. Bhunivelze is reflected in his shades for a moment as he comes to. Mog dances in the background.

Next, Noel is wandering between chocobos at the race tracks.

Then he is walking with Serah and Alyssa on each arm. They are getting sprayed by enigmatic fluid.

The men are then in the steam room, as Hope stretches and arches his back. Noel rests his head on Caius' shoulder.

Then, whatever, Valhalla explodes behind Noel.

All of a sudden he's in the Academy building, Serah is dressed as a man, and starts dancing with him.

By the end, all six of them plus Eduardo are doing a weird horse-dance.

"Fabula Nova Style!" Yeul shouts as they all pose.

END.

* * *

_**Author's Gnomes: **Eh, if you don't get the last part of this story you have been living under a rock. Google Gangnam Style right now and watch the video. So funny! _


	4. Because there weren't enough fart jokes

_**Author's Notes:** Thanks to the anonymous reviewers Kanatachan and Brookings789... plus all those other cool people that are reading this bag of dildos - I mean story._

**Crack 4: Because there weren't enough fart jokes**

In an alternate dimension of both time and space…

Time and space

**Time and space**

Did anyone else get annoyed by this song that plays if you stay on the Historia Crux too long? I'd go to make supper and then … **Time and space**… Where the _**asdf;lkj**_ is the mute button?

But carrying on…

Our time traveling heroes were crossing the great plains of the Archylte Steppe, bickering as they went.

"I'm just saying that we could use one!"

"No Noel, we do _not_ need another chocobo. We already have five!"

"But SERah, I want to catch them all!" Noel whined. "I even have a name picked out for him!"

"Ok, first of all: this isn't Pokémon. _I'm looking at you diellemabelle,_" Serah scolded in her stern teacher voice.

* * *

The story jerks to a halt while the author deals with some deep seated issues about never becoming a Pokémon master….

* * *

"And secondly, we can't catch a Chaos Chocobo!" Serah continued, exasperated. "And even if we could, we'd need a butt-load of gysha greens to keep it from spazing out."

"Heh, heh, you said butt," Noel snickered.

"Besides, I still have my student loans to pay off," Serah continued in a louder voice, ignoring Noel's immature commentary. "We just can't afford it, and that's final."

With that, Serah crossed her arms and walked away. Mog flew after her, turning around only to stick his tongue out at the young man.

Noel was starting to get tired of this pink haired princess-type always calling the shots. All he wanted was a freaking Chaos Chocobo – which was, without a doubt, the most badass ride a guy could get next to a velocycle. He could just imagine that cool music following him wherever he went. It was hard not to get a little excited for a soundtrack that didn't make him sound like a total wuss. (_Thanks SquareEnix, do you have any idea how hard it is to get ladies with that sappy theme?)_

It was time to man up, he decided. Noel jogged to catch up with Serah.

"Listen, we are going to catch a Chaos Chocobo. That's what's going to happen next," he stated in his most authoritative tone.

As she opened her mouth and raised her finger to retort, Noel shushed her with one of his large hands covering her mouth and nose.

"No 'ifs' 'ands' or 'buts'," he warned, before giggling. "Heh… now I said butts."

Under his hand, Serah squirmed and jerked out of his grasp violently. She took a few paces back with her hand against her mouth. Her breathing became shallow and sweat beaded on her forehead.

"I told you never to touch me!" she moaned in a breathless voice.

"Huh?" Noel scratched his head in confusion. _Is she coming on to me? _He took stock of her flushed cheeks and the way she hid her eyes behind her bangs. Now that he was aware of it, he found it hard to ignore how cute Serah looked when she was flustered and shy.

After a few panting breaths, Serah nodded, as if telling herself she'd be okay. But when Noel invaded her personal space, cradling her face lightly with his calloused and battle-worn hands, she knew she couldn't handle it anymore. She'd lost control. She was going to…

Serah vomited all over Noel.

"Ugh, gross!" Noel complained, wiping the puke off his shirt and pants. "What the hell, Serah?"

Her shaky legs no longer able to hold her up, Serah fell to her knees and then onto her side in the soft grass. It took all her effort just to wipe her own chin, but she managed to make even that movement look cute. _Wait, cute? That's kind of weird, Noel._

Mog flew over to Serah with a concerned "Kupo?"

"I'm alright, Mog. Just keep that smelly paradox away from me," Serah replied feebly, eyeing Noel with unease.

"Who're you calling a smelly paradox?"

Again, her blue eyes were aimed directly at his (now slightly offended) face.

"Who. Do. You. Think?" she asked, drawing out the question angrily. "Oh, I know! Maybe the guy that runs around all day in the hot sun, sweating and getting monster guts all over himself, _refuses_ to bathe, doesn't brush his teeth _or_ his hair – that is getting way too long, by the way – and farts _constantly_?"

"I don't… wait, constantly? Isn't that a bit of an exaggeration?" Noel said, now consciously holding in his gas.

"The _exaggeration_ here is how much time I've spent with you _without_ throwing up!"

"And now you've ruined your perfect record."

"Shut up."

The argument helped Serah overcome her queasiness, and she managed to get back to her feet.

It was hard to believe it had been months since she'd heard Lightning's voice in a dream, begging her to fight against the evil stench that was Caius Ballad and to resolve all the odor paradoxes he'd left behind. No matter how she looked at her traveling companion, she could see that Noel was a steaming pile of paradox from the future that _hopefully_ would never come to pass (_gas_). The trouble was, when they'd met, he'd told her that he was the key to saving the timeline – something about knowing the recipe for the ultimate perfume which would be capable of eliminating the most foul of odors. Now, she wasn't so sure.

They walked in silence for a while. When the hot sun slid behind the clouds, Serah assumed it was the work of the hunter village and their weather machine. She prayed that they'd make it rain, if only to wash off the vomit from Noel's clothes, which was now giving off a sour smell that was worse than his own musk.

"So about that chocobo…" Noel said, breaking the beautiful, wonderful silence.

"What? You want one, fine. FINE," she shouted, just wanting to be done with the subject. "But you have to take care of it."

"Sweet!" the brunette cheered, holding his hand out to Mog for a high-five. The creature looked at him with disdain and shook its little head.

They walked on, but now Noel's chin was raised a little higher and his shoulders weren't quite so slouched. With his longer legs, he'd pulled ahead of Serah. From her vantage point she couldn't help but notice how broad his shoulders were, and how his lean torso narrowed and curved to that perfectly round and taut…

_Flrrrrrrrptpfffffftttfpttpfp_

"Oh god!" Serah cried, holding her nose. "Noel, you're the worst!"

* * *

They headed back to Bresha Ruins 300 AF, partly because that was the last place they remembered seeing the rambunctious chocobos and partly because Serah figured the cold would dull her sense of smell.

"So why does it have to be a Chaos Chocobo, anyway?" Serah asked as she rubbed her arms in a futile attempt to stave off the frigid winter wind.

"Duh, because they're badass!"

A sharp eyebrow demanded a better answer.

"Yeah, uh, their colors are totally sweet, like if you put a red chocobo, a blue chocobo and a green chocobo in a blender you'd get a Chaos Chocobo!"

"No, that would get you chocobo puree."

"Mhmm, that actually sounds kind of good right now," Noel said thoughtfully, glancing over to his left at one of the entrances to the tunnel system. "Are you hungry?"

"Not for a feathery disaster!" Serah warned, concerned that Noel would actually try to recreate such a horrific milkshake. Not that they had a blender or anything…

While her train of thought continued in that direction, her body was pulled suddenly to the left, into the warmer air of the tunnels.

"What the - !" Serah's shout was cut off by Noel's hand over her mouth once again. She felt the bile rise up her throat angrily as her captor motioned to the creature that lurked just outside.

**A wild chocobo appears!**

"Once again, this is not Pokémon!"

**Oh, right. Sorry guys. **

"Who are you talking to?" asked Noel, looking behind Serah and then up at Mog. The moogle shrugged.

"Don't worry about it. You wouldn't understand if I told you."

Outside, the rambunctious chocobo was digging in the snow with its talons, flapping its multicolored wings every so often in a threatening gesture.

"So how do you propose we catch that thing?"

Noel paused, chin on clenched fist, thinking hard.

Ten minutes pass…

…

Twenty minutes…

…

"Got anything yet?" Serah asked sarcastically after what could be described as a really long time. (I mean, I could tell you how long it was, but I kind of wanted to leave it to the reader's imagination.)

"Go fish, kupo!" responded Mog, who was floating across from Serah holding a fist full of cards.

The pink haired woman picked a card from the floor of the tunnel.

"Yes! I got it!" she cheered triumphantly, displaying her cards in front of her with relish. "Read 'em and weep: straight flush!"

"What game are you guys playing, anyway?" Noel wondered aloud.

"Uh, I don't know, kupo. Serah keeps making up rules as we go along!"

"It's called 'I win'!" responded the apparent victor. Then she gave Noel a double take. "Wait, how long have you been on that thing?!" she demanded, incredulously.

"Oh, this old thing?" Noel chuckled atop the Chaos Chocobo. "Only since like _forever_ ago. Say hello to our new companion!"

"Kweh!" chirped the Chaos Chocobo happily.

Serah got up and brushed off her backside. "So what are you going to name him?"

"I was thinking of calling him Francis or Harry Potter."

Serah just shook her head. "No, that's just… No."

Mog darted under the chocobo, emerging on the other side with a grin. "That chocobo is a _girl_, kupo!"

"Pervert," muttered Serah. The moogle stuck out his tongue at her.

"Francine, then," Noel amended. "Oh, or maybe Francesca! Doesn't that sound exotic?"

"Whatever," said Serah as she walked out into the snow. This adventure was getting too stupid for her to handle.

"Wait, Serah, where are you going?" Noel shouted after her.

"I'm going to check out that tombstone in the graveyard," she replied over her shoulder. "If I'm lucky, my name is already on there. If not…" she pulled out Lightning's survival knife. "I'll put it there myself."

Noel, Mog and Francesca watched as Serah's form disappeared into the frozen landscape.

"What a drama queen, kupo."

_Pprseweeeeeeeeeh_

"Kweh!" chirped Francesca angrily.

"Sorry, I thought it was going to be silent!"

**wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah **

**END_**


End file.
